For those of you who may not remember, my boyfriend Mr. C told me that he didn’t know what he wanted, and we broke up. I have broken my vow of privacy to update my readers on what happened, because when I’m struggling with a dating dilemma, I am always so inspired by a story of success. For all you women out there wondering what to do when a guy says he doesn’t know what he wants, I must tell you that you absolutely must let him go without arguing, protesting, or begging. You know why? Because the ones who really love you will come back. Just like Mr. C did.
So for those of you out there wondering how to get your ex back, here is some advice from my own experience:
- Let him go—for real. The scary and painful thing about letting someone go is that you really don’t know if that is the absolute last time you will ever see him again. That’s exactly how I felt when I dropped Mr. C off at the airport. I truly believed it could be the last time I ever saw him again. But I knew that I had to let him go if I wanted to truly move on.
- Act like you’ll never see him again. Since I was truly resolved to let him go, I acted like I would never see him again. Now, I don’t mean go pasting the sexy pictures the two of you took together on the internet (by the way, Mr. C and I don’t have any of those). Nor do I mean go telling all your girlfriends about all his faults and secrets. What I mean is to mourn the loss of the relationship however you need to—and then move on with your life. And by moving on, I mean…
- Date other people. Now, Mr. C wasn’t gone long enough for me to go on a real date with someone, but I didn’t hesitate to reactive my Match.com profile after we broke up. I knew that the only way I was going to get over him was by meeting someone new. And, ladies, there are lots of great single guys on Loveawake. Get them before someone else does! By dating other people, you turn your energy away from the loss of the relationship and onto the excitement of a new adventure of meeting new people. Make sure you don’t jump right into another relationship after your break-up. Enjoy dating several people at once before you settle on one guy. You deserve the ability to see how three men act over time before knighting one as your man. Contrary to what it may seem, this is also a great way to take things slow as you ease back into dating. By dating several people, you are less likely to fall head over heels for one of them too quickly.
- Cut off all contact. This is tied to all the earlier points. If the guy doesn’t know what he wants, give him some time to really think. Let him miss you. You’ll never know if the guy really loves you if you keep chasing him down and giving away all your goodies in exchange for no effort. If he comes back to you on his own, you know that he actually wants to be in the relationship.
Now, let’s say that you do all these things and he comes back to you and says that he wants to be together. Don’t go screaming YES!!!!!! just yet!
If your ex comes back to you and says he wants to be together:
- Don’t immediately say yes. I know that you’ve been missing him, and your heart was breaking at the thought of never seeing him again, but you must take some time to really think: Is this relationship really right for you? Do you trust that he will not change his mind and want out in a few weeks? By not immediately saying yes, you give yourself some time to think it through and you get to make him squirm a little. Don’t feel guilty about it. He certainly took his time deciding whether or not he wanted to be with you. You can take your time thinking it through too. I said yes to Mr. C after a day of thinking, but in retrospect, I think I should have taken a few days to think.
- Ask him what he thought about and why things will be different. Sometimes, guys will want you back because they really miss you—not because they want to be a good boyfriend to you. By making the guy talk through what he thought about during his alone time and why things will be different, he has to actually do some reflecting and create a sort of social contract between the two of you. Don’t worry if your guy doesn’t have a clear-cut, well thought out answer. It’s usually just “I really missed you, and I want you back. Let’s try again.” However, you need to at least make it clear through your questions that you expect him to be an enthusiastic half of the relationship.
- Observe his behavior and communicate clearly if your needs are not being met. Like I said earlier, the guy might not be on his A-game when you guys get back together. Maybe he’s been reassured by your eagerness to get back together, and doesn’t feel like he has to do a lot to keep you. If you find that your boyfriend is being lazy and that your needs are not being met, give him a week to fumble around and find his footing in the relationship. If he’s still acting like a fool, communicate clearly without begging, whining, or nagging, that your needs are not being met, and that you are questioning whether getting back together was in fact a good idea. If your guy really does want to be with you, he will straighten up quickly. If he really isn’t that into you, and simply came back in a moment of weakness, he will likely say something, like, “Yeah, I’m not sure it was a good idea either.”
And if after being a so-so comeback boyfriend and you’ve expressed your concerns, he still says that he doesn’t know what he wants, that’s when you go right back to Step 1 of this plan. And maybe this time he doesn’t get a chance to think it over and come back.