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How to Get Your Ex Back

For those of you who may not remember, my boyfriend Mr. C told me that he didn’t know what he wanted, and we broke up. I have broken my vow of privacy to update my readers on what happened, because when I’m struggling with a dating dilemma, I am always so inspired by a story of success. For all you women out there wondering what to do when a guy says he doesn’t know what he wants, I must tell you that you absolutely must let him go without arguing, protesting, or begging. You know why? Because the ones who really love you will come back. Just like Mr. C did.

So for those of you out there wondering how to get your ex back, here is some advice from my own experience:

  1. Let him go—for real. The scary and painful thing about letting someone go is that you really don’t know if that is the absolute last time you will ever see him again. That’s exactly how I felt when I dropped Mr. C off at the airport. I truly believed it could be the last time I ever saw him again. But I knew that I had to let him go if I wanted to truly move on.
  2. Act like you’ll never see him again. Since I was truly resolved to let him go, I acted like I would never see him again. Now, I don’t mean go pasting the sexy pictures the two of you took together on the internet (by the way, Mr. C and I don’t have any of those). Nor do I mean go telling all your girlfriends about all his faults and secrets. What I mean is to mourn the loss of the relationship however you need to—and then move on with your life. And by moving on, I mean…
  3. Date other people. Now, Mr. C wasn’t gone long enough for me to go on a real date with someone, but I didn’t hesitate to reactive my Match.com profile after we broke up. I knew that the only way I was going to get over him was by meeting someone new. And, ladies, there are lots of great single guys on Loveawake. Get them before someone else does! By dating other people, you turn your energy away from the loss of the relationship and onto the excitement of a new adventure of meeting new people. Make sure you don’t jump right into another relationship after your break-up. Enjoy dating several people at once before you settle on one guy. You deserve the ability to see how three men act over time before knighting one as your man. Contrary to what it may seem, this is also a great way to take things slow as you ease back into dating. By dating several people, you are less likely to fall head over heels for one of them too quickly.
  4. Cut off all contact. This is tied to all the earlier points. If the guy doesn’t know what he wants, give him some time to really think. Let him miss you. You’ll never know if the guy really loves you if you keep chasing him down and giving away all your goodies in exchange for no effort. If he comes back to you on his own, you know that he actually wants to be in the relationship.

Now, let’s say that you do all these things and he comes back to you and says that he wants to be together. Don’t go screaming YES!!!!!! just yet!

If your ex comes back to you and says he wants to be together:

  1. Don’t immediately say yes. I know that you’ve been missing him, and your heart was breaking at the thought of never seeing him again, but you must take some time to really think: Is this relationship really right for you? Do you trust that he will not change his mind and want out in a few weeks? By not immediately saying yes, you give yourself some time to think it through and you get to make him squirm a little. Don’t feel guilty about it. He certainly took his time deciding whether or not he wanted to be with you. You can take your time thinking it through too. I said yes to Mr. C after a day of thinking, but in retrospect, I think I should have taken a few days to think.
  2. Ask him what he thought about and why things will be different. Sometimes, guys will want you back because they really miss you—not because they want to be a good boyfriend to you. By making the guy talk through what he thought about during his alone time and why things will be different, he has to actually do some reflecting and create a sort of social contract between the two of you. Don’t worry if your guy doesn’t have a clear-cut, well thought out answer. It’s usually just “I really missed you, and I want you back. Let’s try again.” However, you need to at least make it clear through your questions that you expect him to be an enthusiastic half of the relationship.
  3. Observe his behavior and communicate clearly if your needs are not being met. Like I said earlier, the guy might not be on his A-game when you guys get back together. Maybe he’s been reassured by your eagerness to get back together, and doesn’t feel like he has to do a lot to keep you. If you find that your boyfriend is being lazy and that your needs are not being met, give him a week to fumble around and find his footing in the relationship. If he’s still acting like a fool, communicate clearly without begging, whining, or nagging, that your needs are not being met, and that you are questioning whether getting back together was in fact a good idea. If your guy really does want to be with you, he will straighten up quickly. If he really isn’t that into you, and simply came back in a moment of weakness, he will likely say something, like, “Yeah, I’m not sure it was a good idea either.”

And if after being a so-so comeback boyfriend and you’ve expressed your concerns, he still says that he doesn’t know what he wants, that’s when you go right back to Step 1 of this plan. And maybe this time he doesn’t get a chance to think it over and come back.

How to Break Up with Class

Published under copyright by Loveawake dating site. © Copyright 2020. All rights reserved.
 
Have you ever gone through a breakup?  Do you wish you had handled things differently?  Whether you were the person leaving the relationship, or the one being left, rarely does anyone feel they were being their best self when the split happened.  It can get messy, feelings can get hurt, and most people put the breakup crisis on the memory shelf along with “some of the worst experiences that have ever happened to me.”
 
It is possible that at this time in history, with more information and deeper awareness than ever before, people have begun to realize their potential for having better relationships.  Along with this insight comes the opportunity of being able to LEAVE someone… with more wisdom, care and dignity than in the past.  What is the best way to handle saying goodbye?  Start with:

HONESTY

People often make up false reasons for the breakup because they don’t think they can be honest without being cruel.  Yes you can.  If you are seeing someone, as soon as you know that your partner is not a match, stop the dating process. Hopefully, they will also recognize and acknowledge that it is unwise to keep seeing each other when it isn’t working.  The point is: if it’s not working for one of you—it’s not working for EITHER of you.  A person with healthy self-esteem would not want to stay in a relationship where the feelings are not mutual.

GETTING CLEAR

There are no set rules about whether to break up on the phone or in person when you are dating.  If you have been on more than four or five dates, talking in person shows a measure of respect for the individual and for the time you spent together. (If you’re worried about your safety, however, never break up in person.)  But do be clear about what you want to say.  It is inappropriate and unnecessary to go on at length about why you’re saying goodbye.  Get straight to the message.  Set the stage by starting with what you both know to be true, as in, “As you know… X, Y, and Z has not been working for me…”  Don’t blame or complain.  Continue with, “Therefore, I’ve made the decision…”  Don’t leave room for discussion or backtracking.  Remember: this is your life.  You get to do what’s right for you.

WHAT TO SAY

When you tell the person you want to stop seeing him or her, in their heart of hearts…they already know the truth.  Do not go into details about what they did.  If you accuse the other person of anything, they will defend and explain themselves. Here are some explanations that no one can argue about:
 
* The chemistry you hoped for in a relationship just isn’t there.
* You’ve found areas where you are not compatible.
* You don’t feel a romantic connection.
* You don’t feel that you are on the same page in life and you want to move on.
 
Never say anything judgmental, hurtful, or condemning.  Keep your words to how the feelings or the commitment isn’t there for you and it’s no one’s fault.

THE MYTH OF REJECTION

Sooner or later, the world has got to catch up to this consciousness: you can’t be rejected.  Relationships are meant to be MUTUAL.  When they’re not, you don’t want to be there.  So when you break up with someone, you are NOT throwing that person away.  What you ARE doing is saying: “This isn’t working.  We aren’t going to be in a relationship with each other anymore. We need to be free to make other decisions for ourselves.”  The reality is, both of you will probably be dating several…or many…more people before you find the “who” and the “what” you want in life.  

THE FRIEND FACTOR

No…you do not want to be friends.  At least not yet.  First, you have to get over the breakup.  But one of the two of you may make this declaration that you’ll always be friends.  The person breaking up may say it out of guilt; the person being left may say it to stay connected.  Many times, the one who doesn’t want to break up will hang around, waiting for the one who left to have a vulnerable moment —and need the relationship again.  Make a clean break.  No voice mails, emails, or texts.  Remember: if you can’t say “no” to what you don’t want, you won’t get the chance to say “yes” to what you do want.
 
The etiquette of breaking up requires honesty, clarity, brevity, and kindness.  If you’re going to date, you have to be brave enough to say goodbye when it’s over.  Release your partner to go and find someone else—so you can find the perfect one for you.

Why Would Jesse Cheat On Sandra?

 

Text and Image Copyright Notice. Published under copyright by Loveawake Italia. © Copyright 2010-2020. All rights reserved.

Tabloid relationships are intriguing studies of how people who have absolutely every material possession they could want…are no happier than the rest of the population.  And when they break up, because their actions and lives are so public, we have a chance to watch and surmise what went wrong.  Recently, I received this note from a reader:

“What would make Jesse James leave a class act like Sandra Bullock for Kat Von D, or Prince Charles leave Diana for Camilla?  I see this all the time.  What’s going on here?  I’m writing to you because some of us with inquiring minds really want to know. I purposefully left out Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt.  I can’t put my finger on it but I think she has some issues. I’m also on the fence about Halle.  But you get the idea.  I would think that if a woman was loving, loyal, supportive, honest, intelligent, and sexy, then the man would be ecstatic.  Is this not the case?”
 
Obviously, we don’t know any of these people personally, so I can only offer conjecture.  We also don’t know that the women mentioned above had the positive qualities referred to in the note.  With that said…there are times when I’m just as curious about some of these celebrity relationships as anyone else.  
 
Starting with: I always wondered what Sandra saw in Jesse.  His current choice in Kat von D seems much more fitting to the image he presents.  The larger question for me is…how did Sandra miss all the signs that Jesse was not the person he pretended to be?  Was she blinded by her need for a family and fell in love with the “father figure” he projected?  Did she want someone who wasn’t an actor/Hollywood type who went to work every day and seemed more like a regular guy?  Why she was attracted to him was mysterious to me.  And the fact that she never picked up on his decadent, deceptive behavior until her agent notified her was an even bigger mystery.  She seems so present and aware and wise in her interviews…how did she miss seeing the misalignment in her partner?  
 
As to all the other celebrity relationships, we might stop here and ask: why ARE we so interested in what they say and do?  Is it because they seem to live a life we can’t imagine?  Do we like to see the “beautiful” people have problems too?  Do we think because we share such intimate moments with them on the screen or in print, we feel we know them personally?  Or is it simply a great diversion from what we need to be doing for our own lives?
 
Well…even if that’s so: Here’s what I’m taking away from my recent high profile media watch:
 
*  In spite of all the evidence to the contrary— most people still think that if they had all the money, fame, and beauty they seek and long for, they would have love.  
*  Even the bold and beautiful can be deceived.  Having “things” is no insurance policy that you will find love and keep it.  Success and good looks can be an aphrodisiac, but something deeper has to anchor the relationship.
*  Fame and money don’t insulate you from bad choices.  Being ungrounded in your values, your purpose, and knowing who you are, sets you up for bad decisions.  
*  A celebrity lifestyle can be a magnet for unbalanced people …and when you are in the middle of them, it can cause you to lose your “True North”.  When you don’t have the inner compass to find your way home (to yourself), you can’t make wise choices.
 
Having grown up in California, and often in the company of Hollywood figures, I have witnessed some parts of what causes relationships—and people—to go haywire.  It starts with this: One of the basic requirements we have in life… in order to stay centered and sane… is to have MIRROR images.  We need people near us who will reflect back to us who we are, what we are, and how we are.  
 
Fame alters people’s vision and ability to see you as real.  If you are rich, talented, and glamorous, people can slip into projecting their desires and wishes upon you; have expectations of what and who you should be to them; or be so blinded and enamored with your celebrity, they can’t really see you at all.  Fame causes all the faces you look into …to give you a distorted picture of yourself.
 
Why would Jesse cheat on Sandra?  Why would Sandra marry a guy like Jesse?  No one knows.  What I do know is that I need to spend as little time as possible thinking about this…and go take good care of my own mirrors.
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